Wedding Puns

1. Q: Why are weddings so loud? A: Because two families are tying the knot at the same time and everyone has an opinion about how tight it should be tied.
2. The groom said he was nervous. I said that was normal. He said no, he was nervous about the speech his best man had been writing for eight months. He was right to be nervous.
3. Q: What did the ring say to the finger? A: "I'm in this for the long run — and I've done a lot of research into the commitment I'm making here."
4. She walked down the aisle and everyone cried. The officiant, the guests, the photographer, and the groom. The bride had waited for this moment for fourteen months and was the only completely dry-eyed person in the room.
5. Q: Why did the wedding cake get nervous? A: It knew it was about to be cut, which is technically an ending, but also very clearly a beginning, and it was trying to hold it together for the photos.
6. I was asked to give a toast at my best friend's wedding. I practiced for a week. I said twelve words before my voice gave out. The couple said it was the best speech they'd heard. I credit sincerity over technique.
7. Q: What do you call two birds that get married? A: Lovebirds — it's right there in the category name, and they know it, and they're fine with how obvious it is.
8. Q: Why is the wedding reception always the best part? A: Because by then the nerves are done, the vows are said, and everyone is ready to actually enjoy what they all drove three hours to attend.
9. He wrote his own vows. They were handwritten on index cards with backup index cards in case the originals got wet. This is the kind of preparation that makes a marriage work.
10. Q: What do you call a couple who argues on their wedding day? A: Already married — because this is just the first of many very honest conversations the venue has inadvertently scheduled.
11. Q: Why do weddings have so much food? A: Because love is nourishing, and also because the guest list grew from forty people to ninety-seven and someone had to make the numbers work somehow.
12. She caught the bouquet. She held it very calmly, turned to the person next to her, and said she was just happy to have something to carry on the way out. The room read this in many different ways.
13. Q: What did the groom say when he forgot the ring? A: "I may be forgetful but I am extremely committed to the general concept here." The ring was in his other jacket. His brother had the jacket. The ceremony started twelve minutes late.
14. Q: Why do newlyweds always look exhausted after the honeymoon? A: Because planning a wedding, having a wedding, and immediately going on a trip after the wedding is, logistically, a very ambitious three-week period.
15. I asked her what her favorite part of the wedding was. She thought for a long time. She said the moment before the doors opened when everything was planned and everyone was ready and it hadn't started yet and the anticipation was perfect. I said that was the most specific thing anyone had ever said to me.
16. Q: What's the best thing about a destination wedding? A: Everything, including the fact that when something goes wrong, the scenery is beautiful enough that it's hard to stay genuinely upset about it for more than a few minutes.
17. Q: Why did the DJ at the wedding play so many slow songs? A: He had been hired to "set a romantic mood" and he took that instruction extremely literally from hour three onward.
18. The flower girl took her job very seriously. She had rehearsed. She placed each petal with intention. By the time she reached the end of the aisle she had delivered a complete performance and the audience had moved on to watching her.
19. Q: Why do couples always cry when they say "I do"? A: Because two words can carry a very long sentence underneath them, and everyone in the room understands exactly which sentence that is.
20. Q: What do you call a wedding where everything goes exactly as planned? A: Memorable — because the ones where something small went sideways are also memorable, but in the way that becomes the story told at every anniversary dinner for forty years.
21. He proposed with a ring he had been keeping in his sock drawer for three months so she wouldn't find it. She had found it on week two. She said nothing for eleven weeks and acted genuinely surprised when the moment came. She considers this a good start.
22. Q: What's the most important thing at a wedding? A: The couple — and the person who remembered to confirm the catering order, who is rarely the same person but is equally essential.
23. Q: Why do wedding photographers take so many shots? A: Because they are trying to capture a day that will never happen again, in lighting that may never cooperate again, with people who may never look this happy at the same time again.
24. She said she wanted a small wedding. Forty people became seventy. Seventy became ninety-three. The venue expanded. The cake grew two tiers. She said "small" and meant it sincerely. This is what planning does to a vision.
25. Q: What did the officiant say at the very end of the ceremony? A: "You may now begin the rest of your life, which has been waiting patiently on the other side of this moment." I may have added that last part. He said "you may kiss the bride." Same energy.
26. Q: Why is the first dance so important? A: Because it is the first thing the couple does together in front of everyone while everyone is paying complete attention, and it sets a tone for how they will handle being watched as a team for the foreseeable future.
27. They asked everyone to put their phones away for the ceremony. Half the room complied. The other half decided that this instruction applied to other people. The photographer got beautiful shots either way.
28. Q: What do you call a wedding that runs perfectly on schedule? A: A first — and one that will be talked about for years, because weddings are not designed for punctuality and everyone knows this going in.
29. Q: Why is the wedding cake always the last thing cut? A: Because everything before it is the buildup, and some things are better when you wait for them and everyone agrees and that is why dessert exists.
30. They danced until the venue staff turned the lights up. Then they danced until the venue staff asked them directly to stop. Then they stood in the parking lot for another twenty minutes talking. Nobody was in any hurry to end the evening. That is the right way to finish a wedding.

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