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Doctor puns in 2024

Who are the only people who don’t like doctor puns?
– People with an irony deficiency.

Medical students hate the test on kidney stones,
– it’s the hardest test to pass.

What did one shin say to another on valentines day?
– I want tibia with you.

My doctor told me you ‘ll be alive only for 24 hours!
– When I wanted to leave him he told me: “Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday.”

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion.

Why did the mattress go to the doctors?
– It had a spring fever.

A patient said to the doctor, “I keep dreaming my eyes change colour”.
– The doctor says “It’s just a pigment of your imagination”.

Doc says, “Joe, I got some bad news for you. You’ve got six months to live.”
– Joe says, “Six months? Doc, I can’t pay your bill in six months, I can’t do it!”
– Doc says, “OK, I give you a year…”

What is a cannibal’s favourite medical drama?
– Graze Anatomy.

A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum.
– The doctors described his condition as stable.

I played hide and seek in the hospital,
– but they kept finding me in the ICU.

Why do doctors walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
– So they don’t wake the sleeping pills.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
– I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

I need a suggestion of a good medical sitcom to binge on Netflix….
– But I don’t want no Scrubs

Why did the dalmatian go to the doctors?
– Because every time she looked in the mirror she saw spots.

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?
– The Ultra Sound guy.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.”
– “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

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