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Money puns in 2024

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
– With Tyrannosaurus checks!

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives.

I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills
– But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

“Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.”

Having teenagers is just paying for a bunch of dates that you don’t get to go on.

Borrow money from pessimists,
– they don’t expect it back.

The man rubs his chin for a minute to ponder.
– “I wish to be beaten half to death.”

The five senses have had massive lay-offs in their financial department.
– There’s no accounting for taste.

“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.”

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a parent that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

I won 3 million dollars in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
– Now I have $2,999,999.75.

What do you call really tall expenses?
– Overhead

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it
– because the thief spends less than me.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can’t make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing.

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