Hand puns in 2024

A friend and I were doing laundry and she asked for a hand to dry the clothes. I said, “I would but my hands are TIDE”.

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”

I got my arm transplant at such a great price yesterday. It was discounted at a second-hand store.

Why shouldn’t every animal have guns? Because then they would become armadillos.

I broke my finger yesterday…
Blue foam everywhere, definitely not worth the money!

My grandfather was a soldier who lost all the feeling in his fingers after the war. I believe he’s out of touch.

I tell everyone this. I wonder why people don’t shake my hand

A man walked into a shop with a roll of tarmac under one arm and said, “one box of orange juice to stay, and give me another for the road.”

What would it be called if a tattoo on a person’s arm becomes the only way of identifying a dead person? It’d be called a handy clue.

It may sound strange, but my fingers are my most reliable body part…
I can always count on them

What would a Pope use to dry his hands? A papal towel.

I think a palm tree is just a tree made out of hands.

I’ve decided to get the numbers 1 through 20 tattooed all up my one arm. That way, people will always be able to count on me.

How many bones are there in the human arm? One arm-full.

My daughter broke her finger today,
but on the other hand she was completely fine.

A friend of mine met with a bike accident and broke his left hand. Oh, don’t worry he’s all right now!

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

My friend broke his arm recently. When I went to see him, I saw that he was eating a giant bowl of herbs. When I asked why he was eating that, he just said, “you know, because thyme heals all wounds.”