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Doctor puns in 2025

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

Two guys broke into a medical cannabis dispensary and were later arrested.
– They were definitely ‘pot-ners in crime’

Why did the bee keeper go to the doctor?
– Because they had hives.

Where is the best place in the hospital to read ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and other old poems?
– The Serious Burns Unit.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory,
– he made me pay in advance.

The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn’t make it.
– So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.

What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger?
– You have outstanding teeth.

Why did the snowman go to the doctors?
– He felt a bit chilly.

Why was the doctor angry?
– They lost all of their patients.

A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.”
– The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been ill.”

My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.
– He doesn’t get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.

When I said “I was afraid of the dentist”, I meant the bill.

The infectious diseases ward of the hospital has the best wifi because of all of the hotspots.

What did the doctor say when a patient refused medical treatment?
– Suture self.

You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.

I’ve just learnt the medical name for viagra.
– Mycoxafloppin.

A boy asked a doctor why he felt like a pony,
– the doctor said it’s because you’re a little hoarse.

What do you call a medical operation to see inside an ocean?
– A biop-sea.

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